In my previous post, I discussed the court narrative about the Rachel Henry case. It’s a sad story about a Phoenix woman who killed her three children, all under the age of three. You can read the narrative on page 3 at this link: https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/6667965-Rachel-Henry-Form-IV-Redacted.html
The court narrative is excellent: professional, objective, and thorough. I do have a few suggestions, however:
Dispatch advised an unidentified female was calling to report three children under the age of three years old were found inside the residence. [Advised means “counseled.” Use said.]
The father of the children, , and the mother, Rachel Henry were both on scene and transported to Phoenix Police Headquarters for further interview. The homeowner and aunt, , were also transported. [State who drove them. Passive voice is inappropriate for criminal justice writing because it often omits the most important fact – the doer.]
Rachel told she would put the children down for a nap while she was gone. [“She” is confusing when there are two women. The woman who put the children down for a nap is different from the woman who was gone.
Better: “Rachel said she would put the children down for a nap while was gone.” OR “Rachel told , “I will put the children down for a nap while you’re gone.”]