Three Naked Women

Here’s a bizarre story. On April 10, a Florida Highway Patrol officer saw three unclothed women lying in the open at an I-75 rest area. The women told the officer to keep his distance. They ran to their Nissan and drove off in a hurry, striking a pedestrian along the way.

You can read the story and the officer’s report at this link: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/jeniyah-mcleod-in-custody-041295.

Overall the report is detailed, objective, and thorough. There’s a minimum of jargon, and he used “I” when he recorded his observations and actions.

I encourage you to click the link, read the entire report, and evaluate it yourself. That’s a great way to sharpen your writing skills.

As often happens, I saw opportunities for edits. Here’s an excerpt from the report:

On 410/19 at 10:24 I arrived on scene to the rest area on 1-75 Northbound in reference to 3 naked females. Upon my arrival, I observed 3 younger black females on the lawn North of the building.  All3 females were visibly nude from the parking lot. As I pulled into a parking spot, the females observed me; they began dressing.

My suggestions:

  • “I arrived on scene” isn’t necessary
  • “in reference to 3 naked females” is unclear. Did someone report them? Was he dispatched?
  • You don’t need repetition – “I observed 3 younger black females” and “All3 females were visibly nude”
  • “Visibly nude from the parking lot” is confusing

What the officer was trying to accomplish is commendable. If there was a court hearing, he might be asked how he knew the women were undressed.

One solution would be to estimate the distance: “I parked my car approximately 20 feet away. From there I could see that all three were nude.”

One detail from his report adds strength to his account: “they began dressing.” (He also notes that he saw soap and water nearby, and they told him they hadn’t had time to shower earlier.) Overall, it’s an effective report.

an embarrassed emoticon

____________________________________________________________

Sign up for our FREE Police Writer e-Newsletter and receive a free copy of “10 Days to Better Police Reports,” ready to download! Your privacy is protected: We NEVER share emails with third parties.

 
 
 
____________________________________________________________

 Criminal Justice Report Writing by Jean Reynolds is available from Amazon.com for $17.95. For a free preview, click on the link or the picture below.

Updated, with a new chapter on Writing Efficiently

“It will definitely help you with your writing skills.” – Joseph E. Badger, California Association of Accident Reconstructionists Newsletter

Criminal Justice Report Writing is also available as an e-book in a variety of formats for $9.99: Click here.

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *